If you don't know the classical definition of a narcissist please go look it up real quick. I'll wait for you here. Take your time, I've literally got all day.
Ok, all set? Right on. Just to be clear though, I won't be speaking of your run-of-the-mill, borderline, narcissistic personality disorder. No sir. Or ma'am, whichever the case may be. No judgment. We'll speak to the more damaging version of it that can border on psychosis, with the right person in the right frame of mind. Toxic behavior for all parties involved.
I had a friend like that. A very good friend that I love like a sibling. We had a lot of fun together over the years. Just about 25 years of fun to be precise. And, as it turns out, abusive behavior towards me that I didn't realize was as toxic and damaging as it was. Not until after I had a couple of years under my belt of YouTube therapy, personal development, and sobriety did I really start to notice that the way I was being treated was incredibly disrespectful. And mean. And vindictive. Which I never really saw. I always gave them the benefit of the doubt. I knew they had issues, so I would let them vent all over me. (eww, gross) I'm a listener and an empathic personality. They fed off my energy, and I finally woke up to it when I was condescended to one too many times. I communicated with them how I felt, that friends don't treat friends like this. They are supposed to support each other. This person responded by doubling down, insulting me, and disregarding my feelings. I sent one more message to be perfectly clear what my grievance was, and I was met with silence. Two days ago in the early evening, 3 months after letting them go, I missed a call from them. They left no voice message or text. I am assuming this was a drunken, nostalgia call. They may have hung up as soon as it rang, I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. If they don't leave a message, then I guess they don't really want to talk.
That's the shortened version of the story of my friend. I won't get into all the nitty-gritty details because that would be a waste of everyone's time. Suffice it to say, this person blamed everyone but themselves for all of their problems, regularly lied to me, (either by omission or just blatantly, discovered later through other parties), highly judgemental and controlling, manipulative, and downright mean and nasty when inebriated. Which is often. Or at least it was. As I said, we haven't spoken in almost three months. Then a call two days ago.
I feel the tug and call of my better angels, exhorting me to call them back, maybe just a quick text... But my age and slightly jaded temperament have allied to fortify my resolve against the temptation of those angels, knowing full well the history and M.O. of this old 'friend'. I've been sung the sweet songs of enlightenment and productivity before, only to be dashed on the rocky shores of apathy, complacency, and drunken resolve. Negativity and sadness are the soundtracks to this person's life. A life that sadly will probably never change for the better. They will just become more of who they are, digging deeper into an abyss of their own creation. Pushing all Love away, giving in to pride, which of course is ego. "Poor, pitiful me. Nobody loves me. It's not fair! I want more!" All I got to say to that is, stop asking what the world can give you, and start figuring out what you can give to the world. Start being grateful for what you have, and stop complaining about what you don't.
I have learned that abuse is never ok. Especially from a friend or loved one. You gotta nip that shit in the bud. Confront the issue immediately and find out where you stand in that person's life. Don't let yourself be their doormat. You are a vital human being that brings value to the world, and we need you, just as you are. No one else has your talents and abilities. You're fucking special, and you matter. So if anybody tries to tell you otherwise, or tries to control you or suck your life energy away from you, don't let 'em. You tell them no. They either treat you right or keep on walkin'.
I could say that I wish I would have learned these lessons 20 or 30 years ago, but the fact is I'm learning them here and now, and they will help me to be a better person, and to keep me moving forward. I hate losing a dear friend, but I will no longer be shit on. I wouldn't tolerate it from a stranger, so why would I tolerate it from someone that professes to love me? You get to a point in life where you learn to say no, and you learn to do what's good for you. And you can either listen to your wisdom and grow and get better, or you can stick your head in the sand and wait for the inevitable tsunami of pain. It's up to you. You always have a choice. I hope you find value in this. Thanks and take care. ~ JVD 8^)
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